Last month, The Whiskey Journal (a usually-funny B-grade version of The Onion) did a call for new contributors and asked to see some sample headlines for consideration. I applied but didn’t make the final cut, so now I have twelve headlines with nowhere to go but here. Enjoy:

  • Report: Almond Milk Found to Have Trace Amounts of Almond Feces

  • Unclear if Actor Having Stroke or Practicing Boston Accent

  • Man Tests “Broken Windows” Theory at Local Children’s Hospital

  • Minnesota Launches “Actually It’s More Like 11,842 Lakes” Tourism Campaign

  • Man Watching Adam Sandler Movie Reminded That He Should Change His Diaper Soon

  • Jehovah’s Witness Double Homicide

  • Everything Roommate Owns Worth Like $100 on eBay

  • Confused Couple Hospitalized for Hypothermia After Watching Netflix

  • Ghandi Reincarnated as Greenpeace Street Canvasser

  • Amazing! This Man Loved Cutting Ribbons So Much He Ran for Public Office

  • Ax Attack Not As Awesome As It Sounds

  • TSA Agent Recommends New Anti-Dandruff Shampoo, Maybe Seeing Dermatologist

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